I’m working on it

July 2nd 2017

I’m working on it.

I say these words all the time, hoping that some day I’ll believe myself. I’m working on it, but am I really? Am I fixing anything or am I just pushing my problems under a rug and hoping they fade with time? Have I done anything at all?
Well in short, yes. I have come a long way, but I still stumble around more than I feel I should. I know that I am not alone in this because we all have moments where we falter; some more than others. Some people are just good at keeping that part hidden. I’ve never been as good at that.

You’d think someone who has grown up as shy as I have would be good at hiding that part of life by now…but I’m not. I’m relatively transparent. If I’m tripping over my feet then odds are I’m making it pretty clear if you look hard enough.

I don’t feel it is embarrassing to trip up so long as you show people that you’re able to stand again. I’m working on it. I’m working on showing people I can stand.

I have a mind filled with ideas and concepts and ambitions but I let myself be too afraid of falling. I let myself fear that I set the bar too high, I set my hopes too high. I am just as scared of the view from the top as I am from the bottom. But I’m working on it.

I can be a hypochondriac and a hypochondriac with anxiety is a terrible combination. I let myself fear for my own mortality daily which is like…half dumb?  It is good to be cautious but bad to be terrified constantly, ya know? I’m working on that too. I’m working on not thinking about that as much because it’s making me feel worse. I am working on feeling better.

I need more hours in a day. I need to use the hours that I have. I waste time when I think there is no time to waste….does that make sense? I waste the time between things. If I get home from work at 5 and I’m going out at 6:30, I waste an hour waiting to go out then I complain there are not enough hours of the day. I’m working on utilizing my time because it is not infinite by any means.

So am I working on it? Yes. Am I satisfied yet? No. And I will work until I am. I will work on it until I become the person who will keep myself happy and strong. I will be the person who actually worked on it.

The other night I thought about what kind of place I am in. I have come to realize that I’m not in a good or a bad place particularly…just a place. I don’t mind it here, though. I could learn a lot from this in between.

Because I’m working on it.

Jess~