May 17th 2016
Apathy (n): the feeling of not having much emotion or interest : an apathetic state
I feel as though apathetic is the only way to describe myself nowadays. I’ve had moments of happiness and sadness and fear and anger and anxiety, but overall I am apathetic in all of my rest moments. I learned in my organizational behavior class that emotions and moods are differentiated by their duration. So essentially what I am saying is I feel various emotions but my mood is constantly apathetic. I’m at this point where I am just going through the motions of my own life and I know things that are happening are fun or exciting or rewarding or pleasant, but overall I feel like I am just watching things happen and not living them.
It is not as though I don’t WANT to live these moments because I very much do. I just find it hard to want to move forward at all at this point because I feel as though every time I find something new there is something wrong with it. I feel like May is always the month where I sort of hit this wall and I get shit on by the universe and then I sit there like “THE UNIVERSE HAS A PLAN FOR ME. THE UNIVERSE HAS A PLAN FOR ME.” then I get hopelessly flung into a bunch of what ifs and could have beens and I start to feel incredibly apathetic.
Sadly, despite my efforts to improve this May, I sort of feel like I am hitting the same low again. I really am trying to avoid it this time. I am trying to believe that there is more to my life than a cycle of moments of joy interrupted by disappointment. I have a couple very good weeks that always end in some random event that makes me want to smack my face into every wall in sight.
At this point I feel as though it is safer for me to be apathetic than to care. Apathy is just a lack of feelings. I don’t want to feel anymore so I decided not to. I am working on getting rid of emotions all together. Sadly, I don’t think life works like that though. But I am just going to do my best to be completely stoic.
Welcome to Apathy Island, Population: 1