Nighttime Nostalgia and Drowsy Thoughts

May 15th 2016

It is currently 2:43 AM as I begin this post and the reasons for that are that:

1. I lost track of time and somehow ended up being awake this late…or early depending on how you look at it
2. My anxiety is going wild right now which is sort of why I’m writing right now

Recently, I feel like I have been trapped in a mirror maze. I feel like I have been wandering aimlessly and bouncing off the reflections cast by those I love and myself. Some days I start to wonder if I am real or if the reflection I am bouncing off of is actually me trying to get out of the mirror, as if to trade places with my current self and put me back where I belong. As I bump off the glass in search of the exit, I find that I have no clue where I am and, more importantly, where I am going.

The hardest thing I have to learn is that I am not always going to know where I am going. There is no way to know certain things, and as frightening as that is, I need to realize it is how things are meant to be. I remember my freshman year of college we were assigned to read The Essay on Man by Alexander Pope. One of Pope’s main points was to express that we as humans are not meant to search for meaning in the divine. We are not meant to know what is beyond our physical realm and in our efforts to do so, we often distance ourselves from the higher powers even more.

I am slowly starting to see where his point is coming from when faced with the current situation in my life (which will probably eventually sound super stupid to me in the future). By trying so hard to understand what people are thinking and where things are going, I am not only pushing myself away from the higher power controlling my universe. I am pushing myself away from actual people in my life. I am allowing myself to become obsessed with my need to understand and my need for answers and I am going against the divine to find my answers.

I didn’t really realize this until I went to meditation the other day and I asked about the color orange being prominent in my visions. The color orange is indicative of damage and imbalance to the sacral chakra. When the sacral chakra is imbalanced it impacts not only physical relationships, but also emotional relationships. The sacral chakra is located in the area between the pelvis and the naval and is said to be in control of sexuality, love, and relationships among other things. The causes for the imbalance as listed online were strains in interpersonal relationships and the feeling of loss of control in one’s life or aspects of one’s life. Upon reading that I began to realize that my own stupid desire to control everything WAS actually distancing me from what I really wanted.

Aside from that, I realized I need to start looking at my life in terms of the big picture and not so much the details. I have gone through worse times than this and even if what I am aiming for fails, I am going to continue on living and I will eventually find where I belong.

My first step to regaining my sense of self direction and balance begins tomorrow. I will still panic about the same stupid thing I have been panicking about for the past week, and I won’t deny that or claim that I am changing that because that would be a lie. However, I plan to go into my situation with an open mind and the mindset that when one door closes another door opens and that my value does not decrease from one person’s inability to see my worth. Also, I plan to remind myself that panicking and feeling sad are not going to get me any closer to my goal and if anything will bring me farther away. But in general, negative emotions will not make an significant contribution to things that cannot be changed to begin with.

At this point I have to remember that being patient and open minded is the best thing I can do for myself. As much as I want to understand the world around me, I understand that the divine power has its plan for me and every roadblock and speed bump are just lessons to be learned on my journey.

Patience is a virtue,

Jess