April 16th 2016
Bruises Heal and People Leave Sometimes. I thought of that short phrase as a stared at my bruised knee in the bathroom mirror and noticed how the size had gone down and the color was returning to normal. I had hit my knee into a piece of sound equipment I was loading in for a music festival at school a week ago. The bruise was big and trailed from the top of my knee to the bottom in small blobs of brown, black, purple and blue. It was as though the whole universe, with its galaxies and stars and colors, was shrunken down and put on my knee for me to watch over and protect.
And for a while it was as though I was protecting a tiny universe. I had to make sure nothing would hit it and crush it. It was sensitive…it was fragile. But slowly, I began to put the weight back on it and the swelling went down, and my universe began taking care of itself as it shrunk and shrunk to the point where I forgot it was even there.
I feel like how we handle bruises is how we handle life. We protect the damaged parts of ourselves and the world around us as they heal, but once we deem things good enough we stop protecting and just start assuming everything is okay. This is sort of what brings me to the second half of my little phrase “…People Leave Sometimes”. At first when I said the full phrase in my head, I didn’t fully understand what I was trying to say, but I sort of realized that sometimes people fade like bruises. They come into our lives and remind us to take care of ourselves and then they fade off like the dark rings of a bruise fade into subtle watercolor blotches, and then eventually, into nothing.
I think I have a bruise in my life. This bruise has a name, and face, and uses words to remind me it’s there instead of small bits of pain. I do this kind of thing to myself a lot. I get involved with temporary people; people I know that aren’t really meant to stick around. They fill my heart with words and ideas. They make me smile like an idiot as they spew hollow compliments and make promises they know they won’t keep. I let them in because I like to dream.
I like to hear these words and let them fill my thoughts. My imagination does more for me than the actual person does. The person plants the seed for the idea to grow. Once the idea grows and the scenario is in my head, I don’t even really need the person anymore. They are sort of just a prop. Which is totally fine because when my bruises fade and leave behind nothing in their path, the scenario is all that I have left from them that benefits me.
Right now I’m dealing with a bruise that I don’t know how to handle. It’s one of those bruises that really hurt and can either become large and dark, or simply fade away without even really seeing it. I don’t know which is worse: Seeing something fade away and disappear….or not knowing whether or not what I was feeling was even real or not. Also, what if this bruise becomes a scab? Scabs are worse then bruises, both literally and figuratively. Scabs leave when they are ready to leave and simply icing them won’t make them go away. The problem with scabs is they leave on their own time and if you try to force them then you are the one left bleeding. Scabs also leave scars behind. Unlike bruises, scabs leave a constant reminder that they were there and that even when they are gone they will never entirely go away.
I have had more than my fair share of bruises, I also have a lot of scars.
Don’t pick at your scabs,