October 2nd 2021
Aren’t you excited that I’m giving you the best me?
I have been thinking a lot lately about my own healing. I have always thought that, in order to heal, you had to be healing from something specific like a trauma, illness, heartbreak, etc. However, I am beginning to realize that healing is a continual process and sometimes your brokenness doesn’t have a source or true cause and sometimes life just beats you down or you beat yourself down and you need to rediscover who you are and what that person means to you.
I think my largest issue with healing is not wanting to admit anything was wrong because there was “no reason for anything to be wrong.” My life is great. I have supportive friends and family and a partner who loves me but there are some issues with myself that I have yet to be able to explain and that’s when I realized I needed to put more energy into healing. I realized I needed to heal when I felt like I was no longer present for moments that I knew I should be.
Amazing trips with friends, date nights, family gatherings, and more where I was in attendance physically but not mentally. I knew I was living great moments but I didn’t FEEL great in them.
Body image has been a huge thing lately. Weight gain and being in a body that feels foreign has been hard but working to love myself where I am and work towards something better is the goal right now. Being where I am is the goal right now.
I am currently laying in bed at a beautiful resort in Arizona with my partner; sharing the space with my friend that I haven’t seen in 2 years and her partner. This is healing.
Healing in this moment is being in some of my own photos and videos, remembering to film and photograph good moments, expressing gratitude, enjoying scenic views, not stressing about work, and allowing myself proper space to feel but also to let go.
I hope to continue waking up and feeling like I’m making progress, a day at a time. Healing isn’t linear and there is no shame in that but I am happy as long as I don’t lose sight of the value of my own healing.