Hello Again, I’m Going To Keep Trying

September 19th 2020

I am getting tired of the here then gone again stuff, but inspiration is like that sometimes.

I feel like autumn is the time where my inner writer wakes up. There is something about the weather cooling down and the pace of life steading back to this school and work drudge that really puts me in the mood to sit and work on my creative projects. And my blog is probably my primary and most neglected creative project, so I figured I would start here. I am going to be honest and say that I am not quite sure what I have to offer right now in terms of real substantive content, but I really want to push myself to take more time to write.

Writing is something I find myself always being drawn back to in times where I am trying to figure myself out. I have these wild dreams of making it one day and becoming a writer. But then I turn that hope into a question and wonder what I could possibly be known for. Would I make it writing travel blogs from the point of view of an introvert with wanderlust? Could I hit the big time just rambling on about mental health and spirituality and the value of self-love? Or maybe, my favorite fantasy, I could shift what it means to be an “influencers” and really turn that industry on its head! While the possibilities seem endless, I am not quite sure what direction to go right now or how I could even necessarily make it into something.

All I know in this very moment is that I miss capturing my life in words and sharing them out. So now is as good a time as any to restart and turn on my inner “overly-specific novelist that your lit professor asks you to analyze despite the fact that you know everything written was incredibly literal with no deeper meaning behind it whatsoever.”

So, where am I currently, in this very moment? I am sitting outside on my back patio enjoying the first real fall weekend day we’ve had in sweaty, humid North Carolina. I really quite enjoy my patio despite the fact that I have neglected buying patio furniture since I’ve moved in. It is rather large with a wood floor and a bit of a bump out towards the front that is enveloped in the canopy is small sidewalk trees. It sounds way more majestic than it really is because, once these trees lose their leaves for the winter, I get a beautiful view of a Walmart. However, in this moment, the trees are still a nice leafy green with very few signs of fall hues coming in anytime soon. 

Since I don’t have any chairs, I am sitting out on this Mexican Blanket/Sarape that I bought in Arizona, originally to use as a yoga blanket, but its durable burlap texture makes it perfect for laying out on the ground without fear of absolutely destroying it. It is a lot better than sitting directly on the wooden beam for but the lack of cushion really leaves something to be desired.

I feel myself changing and I am not sure how exactly yet. I just have this feeling of newness sitting right in the center of my chest and it is the feeling I get right before I shift into a new period of existence. I know that is probably a super weird thing to say, but I have grown weirdly familiar with this feeling, enough to know that there is a change coming. I am going to be honest though, I have a good feeling about it.

I really think that in terms of my mental health and personal growth, the last 4 months have really been the most transformative for me. I started out really really strong in June and July where I stuck to a really strict schedule and was doing a lot at once to really work on myself, then I hit a bit of a lull in August (made clear by my full month of absence), but now we are halfway through September somehow and I am starting to feel like the newness I was working towards in June and July is finally entering the picture.

It is strange to have a gut feeling with no actual evidence to back it up though. I really don’t have a reason to feel the way I do, no “I can tell things are changing because this and this happened or I am at the edge of this new opportunity” or anything like that. I just feel new. I have that feeling I had that I had almost forgotten. That feeling where my bones scream “you need to get up and do something RIGHT NOW!” That desire to run away to the beach or the mountains and just sit outside right at dusk and talk to anyone who will listen about all the things I’ve learned. That craving to experience the limitless possibilities of life at 25 years old.

In a pre-pandemic world, I feel like I would know more what to do with this feeling but, right now, I am sort of at a loss. My therapist told me recently that I need to appreciate the season of life that I am in and, while I am allowed to push for more, I shouldn’t pressure myself to find out what that “more” is. I know she is right and I am really working on appreciate the now.

So maybe that is why I have come back to my blog again? In an attempt to appreciate the moment I am in? I’m not too sure. I just know that I want to keep trying. I really would like to come back to blogging full force but I can’t really make some heavy promises there. All I can say is, for the first time in over a year, I have ideas swirling around in my head about who I want to be and how I want the world to see me. 

I am feeling really motivated to create content, dabble in fashion again, make more excuses to explore, spend more time alone, educate myself more on yoga and tarot and maybe finally pick up that book on palm reading that I said I wanted to learn about and share what I’ve learned with the world. I am finally motivated to care again enough to create beautiful things and share them.

I hope I can stick to that and get back into that creative headspace that had me seeing the world through amore beautiful and fulfilling lens. 

I want to round out this blog post with a little “Question of the Day” for anyone who wants to participate:

What kind of content are you consuming right now? Are you into fashion content, self-help content, travel, lifestyle, home decor? What do you enjoy reading and watching right now?

Hopefully I will see you again real soon!

Jess~