Maybe Everything Is Going My Way

July 8th 2020

Sometimes what’s best for you is the hardest pill to swallow.

I feel like sometimes the most important lessons fall in your lap by accident when you are trying to help a friend. One night recently, a friend was venting to me about how things never seem to go her way and, to my dismay, I realized I have felt the same quite often (especially during this year, but I think we are all in the same boat with this one). However, I had this epiphany that maybe things are going my way.

Maybe, this pain I am experiencing is teaching me what I need to know in order to move onto better things. Maybe, the universe is taking away something I loved to teach me to be less dependent on it, to show me what I deserve, or to test how badly I want it. Maybe, some losses are gains. Maybe some pain is necessary. I hate that suffering is often a requirement for growth, but at the same time, I am happy to grow through what I go through.

So, instead of dwelling on how things aren’t “working out for me”, I am going to discuss all of the great things that have happened since the universe began testing me:

1. I stuck up for myself at work; more than once. I had the courage to tell my boss that I was feeling overworked and rundown and discovered that, instead of being frustrated or disappointed, she was actually concerned and worked to get me proper support and to remind me that my work is valued. Work may not be perfect for me just yet, but I see myself improving every day and I have become so proud of all I have accomplished through this job that has really pushed my personal limits!
2. I got back into writing and tarot! I really fell off the wagon on my spiritual practices and writing over the last year and I am just beginning to feel inspired again. I am starting to think the introspective and philosophical thoughts I used to spend time thinking about before I got super stressed out by life and I am slowly feeling more motivated to put time into my personal endeavors and spirituality again.
3. I am beginning to put more effort into my appearance! For a while, I feel like I lost sight of myself and my personal power due to a lot of outside factors, but now that life has challenged me to grow, I feel like I am experiencing a lot more self-respect and self-love. I am putting effort into looking nice for myself, taking more pictures of myself, even full body photos, and just genuinely appreciating the skin I’m in more, even though I am not where I want to be fitness wise.
4. I have become more motivated to eat healthier and focus on self-care. I am trying to eat more proper meals a day, eat more fruit and veggies, and drink more water. I am also taking hot baths multiple times a week because my bathtub in this apartment is to die for! I am also loving myself in small ways like clocking out of work on time and watching anime series I have been meaning to explore. I am doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, at my own pace and I feel so much healthier.
5. I am openly speaking about my self-worth. I have had the horrible tendency of putting myself down and blaming myself for every little conflict that has arisen in my life but I am finally starting to see that my role in problems was never as large as I thought. As a whole, despite my flaws, I am a great, loving, and supportive person. I realize now that I have so much to give and one day I will be surrounded by people who deserve it as much as my friends in New York do!
6. I am feeling way more motivated to step out of my comfort zone! I want to join an activity, meet new friends in my area, become a regular at a coffee shop, I want to go to restaurants alone, I want to branch out and I want to travel. And most of all, I really want to throw caution to the wind a bit more! I really want to live my life to the fullest while I have my freedom to do so. I’m too young and too great to settle for a boring life, so I want to fill my life with experiences worth writing about again.
7. I have gotten back into music. I know it sounds crazy, but I actually fell out of listening to music and podcasts for quite a bit during quarantine. I felt uninspired and annoyed by music and I often drove in silence. Now I really love taking some time to listen to old music I’ve loved and dissect lyrics or explore bits of new music when I can. I find that having positive and negative life experiences makes it easier to enjoy music fully. I have really been channeling a lot of my emotions into good music and good lyrics.
8. I have gotten really into decorating my apartment. I actually just saved tons of links to buy stuff to decorate this place and really make it feel me! I want to have the apartment that people want to hang out at and I want to have an apartment that looks like an adult lives there. So I am trying to find ways to infuse my personality into my decor… and working for a company that focuses on home decor trends has definitely helped me find my style niche as well!
9. I have been WAY more communicative with my friends and have deepened my connections with a lot of my friends. I feel like a lot of stress and tension and sadness made it really hard for me to truly connect with my friends over the last 6 months, but now I am really feeling connected recently and I get so excited to talk to all of them. I video chat with someone almost every single day even if it is just for a little bit and it makes me feel so refreshed to have people to talk to and to feel fully engaged in conversations again.
10. I have been way more clear and open in ways I had been struggling with. My therapist and I had been doing a lot of work with cognitive distortions and things and I found it really hard to get out of a negative head space when I began to spiral. But now, suddenly, I feel like I can rationalize my issues way easier than before. I think I had a haze over my entire life that I didn’t realize I had and, as a result, I was casting shadows on small things that weren’t as important as I thought.

Overall, I am honestly just so happy with my growth and so excited to see what the future has in store. Things may not have “worked out” but things are working out. I know that whatever the future brings, each day I am becoming more equipped to handle the choices life throws at me. And, while I am open to the possibility of inviting some of my old situations back into my life, I am doing so on my own terms and demanding the respect I deserve instead of letting myself feel bogged down and inadequate.

So, the next time you question why life isn’t working out, sit down and make a list of all the ways that it is, it really helps put pain into prospective!

Jess~