I Didn’t Plan to Write but Here I Am

June 25th 2020

I don’t have the energy to write a formal blog post so I’ve decided to just dump out what I have rolling around in my brain.

2020 is exhausting. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, this year has really drained me. I just came out of an almost year long relationship, work is extra busy with the added challenges and isolation that comes with working from home, and the world outside of my little bubble is a mess. We are still demonizing and brutalizing people for the color of their skin or the people that they love. We are destroying our planet a little more each day. And everyone is acting like the pandemic has ended just because they no longer feel like observing it.

I try to remind myself that the best things in life grow from the most uncomfortable of places and that the only way out is through. I tell myself that everything, both big and small, happening in my life right now won’t matter in a year. Confusing mixed signals, work stresses, and adjusting to the new normal will all be covered but by different challenges and different blessings next year, so I am going to take what I need from this period and use it to propel myself forward.

That is what I have been trying to do in therapy. I have been trying to keep up the attitude of being in touch with my personal power. I try to remind myself of how strong I am and in what ways I am winning at life. I am winning in the fact that I have tons of friends who care and a loving and stable family environment. I am winning in the fact that I have learned how to deal with my problems in a productive way and not run away from feelings of vulnerability. And I am winning in the fact that I am becoming more and more aware of my self-worth every single day and, no matter where I go next, I plan to go there better than I am today.

But I am not perfect and I will admit that I am tired. I am really drained and burnt out and I am not accomplishing as much as I would like to right now but I celebrate the small things like taking an hour to soak in a hot bath, spend an evening watching shows and movies with close friends online, paying my bills on time, making phone calls I need to make and cooking myself meals, even if it is just boiling some pasta.

I will never sit here and claim that I haven’t made my fair share of mistakes, started my fair share of problems, or put unnecessary pressure on myself, but I will sit here and say that I am trying despite the fact that I am tired. I wake up every day and still try my best to be a person that I can look at in the mirror and be proud of.

Yeah, my goals are a little thrown off track with the current state of the world, but I think that every challenge is just something to take you in a new direction. I am not sure which way the universe is pushing me yet, but I know that I am going to take this time to focus on myself and my personal self-care so I can be equipped and energized for when the opportunity arises for me to reach a fuller potential.

I am also handling things way better than I had ever expected. Endings have always been difficult for me, so to come out of a relationship and feel at peace with myself is a beautiful feeling. I take comfort in knowing that the ending of my relationship may not be permanent but I also take comfort in knowing that it might be permanent because I know that, either way, I am going to make sure the next step for me is one where I feel truly happy. And I don’t necessarily feel that I need a person to feel that way either. I am quite content with myself right now and, even if my previous relationship is revived, I am still going to make sure I give myself the time and space I need to continue flourishing as an individual.

So yeah, 2020 is exhausting, but I think now is the time to take advantage of the atmosphere and focus on growth, not in a forced way, but in an organic and self-loving way. Count up the reasons you’re winning and 2020 is losing. Take moments to remind yourself that you are proud of the growth you’ve accomplished despite the challenges of this year. And, most of all, recognize your privilege. Use your newfound strength and voice to help those who are less fortunate than you.

2020 is exhausting but it is the year we are all being challenged to rise above the bullshit. No matter the outcome of this year, I am proud of myself for working on me, putting my happiness first, and taking this as an opportunity to push harder for what I am.

But for now, I think I am going to focus on one of the most important phases of growth; rest.

Jess~