September 6th 2019
I’m returning to the reason I made this blog in the first place.
I am not having the best night and, when I first started JessofEarth, my goal was to keep it real even if it meant having sad girl hour on the internet sometimes so here we go. I just haven’t been having the best time lately. There isn’t really one reason behind it, but life has sort of just caught up with me and a lot of things I have been feeling down about have hit me all at once. I feel overworked, I haven’t been sleeping well, I have been feeling relatively insecure in a lot of areas of my life, and I have sort of just been feeling like I’ve been going through the motions.
I know things will all work out but that doesn’t change the fact that right now everything feels like a huge mess. Even this post is a huge mess. I got 400 words in and decided to delete the whole thing because I hated it…which is a bit ironic because I called this post “I Am Writing to Make Myself Feel Better” and I think that my first draft actually made me feel a bit worse, haha. But I am trying again because I really want to put out something tonight, not because I have to but because I want to.
So, here is the part where I start trying to make myself feel better, right? Okay, so I want to talk a bit about why I started this site and what sort of transitions it has gone through over the past few years.
I started JessofEarth in February of 2016 right around my birthday. I turned 21 and felt like that was an adulty turning point in life and thought that having a blog was a good idea…sort of like how every millennial has started a podcast and every YouTuber writes a book. I chose a blog because writing has always been a sort of secret passion of mine that I used to be too insecure to share with people. I started this blog and posted whenever I felt like it, never tagged my posts, and never told anyone it existed.
After almost a year of posting, I started sharing my posts to Twitter and tagging just to see what would happen and I was impressed with the growth. People were actually reading what I was writing and offering me feedback and opening up conversations with me. I have met a lot of cool people through blogging.
Blogging also became a special creative outlet for me. It really allowed me to take all of my ambitious ideas and channel them into one place. And the cool part of it being my own blog is that I call the shots. If I hate how a certain type of post turns out or it doesn’t perform up to my standards, I can decide what I do next. Do I abandon a project? Do I try again? Do I move onto something else? It is all up to me.
Since moving, however, I sort of feel like my content has slipped a bit. I haven’t felt as creative and I don’t have anyone helping me make content anymore like I did when I was in New York and had my friends to help me take pictures and think of fun content ideas. But I really hope that I can turn it around this fall and start creating some fun content.
But, for tonight, I am going to lay off myself a bit and give myself a pat on the back. I moved at age 24 away from the only place I’ve ever known to a new state where I know nothing and no one. I found myself a job, a boyfriend, and have even balanced a second remote job on the side. I am taking more workout classes and putting myself out there and trying to make friends at work.
Although I am not where I want to be right now, I am proud of myself for trying. I have been taking small steps like initiating lunch plans with coworkers, speaking up for myself when I want to be included, and getting over some anxiety hurdles like saying yes to more things even if they trigger my anxiety a bit. Stuff like driving in unfamiliar places is something that really makes me uncomfortable, but I have been doing it for the sake of making an effort to grow.
And as intimidated as I feel by my own life right now, I feel myself growing into a better person. I still screw up a ton and I am not the perfect girlfriend or employee or blogger or friend or daughter 24/7, but I am working on it and I hope that I am not the only one who sees that. I just have to keep reminding myself that all of this is happening for a reason and that I will be better at the end, no matter what happens.
Usually, this is the part of the post where I offer some word of advice or nugget of wisdom that I’ve gathered from my experiences, but I don’t really have that in me tonight. Tonight, my only piece of advice is to take it easy on yourself. Take moments to be candid and real and admit when you’re not doing well. Don’t let social media or other people pressure you into pretending your life is perfect and you have all of the answers. Just be. Even when it sucks, just be.
I am still learning that and I don’t think I will ever be completely done learning that.
But I want to close out this post by taking a moment to thank everyone who has been there for me while I learn to just be. I know that I am not always the easiest to deal with when I am going through stuff, but I appreciate everyone’s patience. I am growing and learning and writing to make myself feel better.