An Update On An Existential Crisis

May 4th 2018

Circling back on some past topics and seeing how far I’ve come~

I wrote a post in late January that went up in mid-February about my existential crisis and I thought it would only be right to my consistent readers to circle back and talk about where I am now. I just want to state again, for any new readers out there, I write a lot of posts in advance and this one is no exception. Today is April 20th as I write this and I will be writing this post from the perspective of my current present day.

I think right now the biggest source of pressure for me is the clock. I feel like time is flying and it has been nearly a year since I have graduated college and I feel like I have done so much and yet so little. I have been working really hard though. I have bucked up and applied to about 2-4 jobs a week each week this year (sadly with little feedback) and I am working my butt off to make things work out at my current job.

I have recently received a raise at my current job and I may also be getting a second part time job at the same pay rate which would equate to full time hours, however, the pay isn’t as high as I would need it to be in order to stick with the two job situation. So for now I am still applying.

I also have a trip planned for Vermont for next weekend which will hopefully offer me a bit of peace and clarity. I find that getting away can really help clear congested feelings and thoughts and make me feel airy. Especially because a lot of this trip is nature based which is honestly such a huge stress reliever for me. My Vermont post should be up by the time this is posted so feel free to check it out!

I also have a few more trips I am hoping to plan soon. I think travel really takes my mind off of personal stresses. Writing is also something that helps ease a lot of stress, however, I have been finding it hard to get motivated lately. I usually have 8 to 10 posts scheduled at a time, but up until today, I could barely manage to get more than 3 posts ahead. I’m not sure why. I guess I just wasn’t feeling creative and I have been sort of down which makes me more apathetic towards writing.

I just haven’t been wanting to go out and see people as much. I’m not sure if the introvert in me is just not as eager to see people or if it’s just me not wanting to spend so much money. Plus, a lot of going out is eating out which is (1) very expensive and (2) not all that healthy. Gaining weight makes me feel even more lethargic and sort of sad so I decided to take a break from social eating for a bit…and my health will hopefully thank me for it.

I just think the best way to describe how I am feeling right now is “meh”. Like I don’t really feel much, I just feel sort of flat. I don’t know, I just feel like I am meant for something bigger than what I am doing now and I am frustrated by my inability to figure out what it is.

I guess I will be adding an update to this post when it is about to go live and see what has changed, if I remember!

Jess~

Update: Today I went on a job interview that seemed too good to be true. However, in my gut something just isn’t right there. I need to look into this company more before making any binding choices, but my gut is telling me no and I want to try my best to honor it. I am getting really tired of things not feeling right.