April 12th 2020
Writing despite not wanting to because creating and growing are important.
I really don’t want to write today but I am writing. I know this seems counter-intuitive because it seems wrong to “force” creativity but, in my case, it is necessary. You see, I made a commitment to myself about a month ago that I would begin to start taking my life back. And since the universe had its own plans, I haven’t been able to progress in certain ways I have wanted to as a result of an indefinite quarantine and a number of other factors. However, that being said, since I am limited to what I can accomplish at this time, I have no excuse to stray away from the things that I have the ability to do right now, i.e. writing and doing yoga.
Since I have been spending most, if not all, of my time either in my boyfriend’s house or walking at a local park, nothing is really keeping me from my writing. Yeah I still have work, but no commuting or after work plans are in the way to keep me from writing, yet I still hesitate. Why? Well mostly because, despite the lack of distraction, I am still trying to push through my personal apathy and find the motivation to create and seek inspiration.
As of late, I really haven’t been inspired to write about much other than my own mental state because this is the most confused I’ve been with my own mental health in my whole life and, as a result, I have been very preoccupied with figuring myself out and have lost sight of what used to inspire me in blogging.
I used to be filled with all sorts of creative ideas and I still am to a certain extent. But my motivation to make those dreams a reality has sort of diminished. It is sort of funny in a not-so-funny way that now, more than ever, I really want to find a way to make something with this blog and my interest in being a mental health advocate when I haven’t been able to find motivation to write and my mental health has been at its weakest. But, I think now is the best time for me to really figure out what really matters the most to me and push myself out of my slump. At least, that is what a lot of friends and family have encouraged me to do.
I have been trying to push through the apathy in small ways and I want to share the list of ways here, in case anyone else is in a similar situation with their mental health and motivation. I know my posts can be a bit list-heavy, but lists are my favorite visual format:
- If I think of something I want to do or have to do, I either do it immediately or set a time I need to do it by. For example, I had told my friend Devan I would help her with some copy writing for her new website and I spent the morning letting that task loom over me, but that afternoon, without giving myself time to think it through too hard, I picked up my laptop and banged it out. I have been doing the same with weekend work, engaging on my work socials, and rolling out my yoga mat. If I don’t give myself the space to talk myself out of something, I am more likely to do it.
- I am productive when people around me are. One example of this is when my boyfriend works out, I try to force myself to do some yoga even if I don’t want to. By the time he is done working out, I occasionally want to continue stretching, or I allow myself to stop, feeling better that I had done something while honoring my desire to rest. Another example is with Devan again. Since she has been working on creating her new business, she has been motivating me to get back into my own personal passion projects so, whenever we talk, I try to take time while we talk to do my own personal planning and work towards my goals like she is. Having a friend to hold you accountable helps a lot.
- I am easy on myself when I am not being productive. This is both a quarantine thing and a mental health thing. I am trying to be less hard on myself for not being productive 24/7. Deep down, I am convinced I work myself 10x harder than most people around me do, while convincing myself I am slacking. That being said, I am trying to be easier on myself and not letting myself get too down when I just want to chill out and laze around.
I can’t truly say that I have had linear progress in my quest for growth and healing, but I can say that I am trying harder and holding myself more accountable for the things in life that I want and the goals I have set for myself. I hope that, by taking things slow and steady along with continuing to work through past poor habits, that I can continue to grow and eventually become the person I hope to be in my life.
For now, I may be pushing myself to do things I am not motivated to do, but one day I will no longer have to push and things will go back to being natural for me. That day may not be soon, but it will come.