July 25th 2017
Letters to nameless people who may never feel sorry, but I deserve to move on with my life.
I found out I was allergic to you last year when you used to be one of my favorite things. You were a sweet and soft friend in the beginning but you’ve become less inviting as time has gone on. You were soft and vulnerable and you thrived on making me feel the same. You make me itch and make me feel too uncomfortable to speak. A sweetness that was once close to my heart now seems as though it feels it is too good for me. Just know that I have moved beyond you, but I still believe there is the same sweetness in you. Maybe I will see it again some day and maybe one day you will realize that this letter was never actually about kiwi.
I started calling you Satan as a way to cope with losing you. Saying your name was hard for me for such a long time that I decided to call you something that would remind myself of how I was supposed to feel about you. You were bad, you were Hell, I wasn’t supposed to want to think about you anymore. I spent so many years creating an enemy out of you that I forgot why what we were was so beautiful. You hurt me with words and actions but I have grown to forgive you a little more each day. I am at a point where i could honestly say that the scars have healed and I am better than I once was because you hurt me. I forgive you now.
Dear Sweet Prince,
You are not a prince, nor are you male, nor are you sweet, nor are you reading this. It is weird to find someone that you could talk to every single day and never tire of. It is weird that one day that could all change with no explanation. I cared so much for you and you were like a sister to me and then you went and ruined it. I would normally place the blame on myself, but if you mess with my family, you mess with me and I had every right to be upset. I had every right to be upset and I still defended you in whatever small way I could, but you left. You left even after I gave you another chance to be someone I could depend on. You left and I am realizing that you leaving me made me better than I ever was. You were a crutch for an injury that had been healed for a while and I didn’t realize it. I let myself rely on you to keep me sane when I knew that what I needed was inside of me all along. I forgive you because you made my world a better place when my heart was bleeding and I needed a friend. I hope you’re ruling your kingdom the way you have always dreamed to.
You are not one person, but many people. Many people who’s faces and names I push myself to forget every day. You are the people that brought me down in one way or another, leaving me vulnerable and broken. I cannot blame you for using me in such a way because I was weak. I allowed myself to be put in the same situation over and over again and although I don’t blame myself for how I was treated, I blame myself for letting it get so deep. So Kiwi, Satan, Sweet Prince, You…you are not my enemies anymore…you are my memories. Thank you for serving me when you did…but I’m better now.
These are my letters of forgiveness.