The Irreversible Bad Thing

January 23rd 2019

For the first time in a while, I am dropping into my heart and writing what I feel.

It has been a while since I have come home genuinely inspired to just write for the sake of writing and to clear my head. I originally planned for this to be a toss away journal entry, but instead I decided to write a little stream of consciousness here on my blog for whoever stumbles across it and cares to read.

So it is more than halfway through the first month of 2019 by the time this goes up, however, I am writing this on the 3rd day (which means I will try to remember to add to it when the post date comes so you guys can get a little update).  It’s weird to say but this year has a strange vibe after only 3 days. I sort of feel like everything is paused. The world feels a tad bit empty and I am sort of drowning in a bit of emptiness.

I am not sure if it is just because college is out so there are less people on the road or because work is starting up slowly again, but everything feels sort of blah. It is sad that the best word I can use to describe things is “blah”, but that is really all I have for you.

Today was sort of a bad day in the mental health department.  I created this monster in my head a while ago called “The Irreversible Bad Thing”. Every time I come up to a fork in the road in my life, I often fear that whatever choice I make will result in “The Irreversible Bad Thing” and then I often go with the safer choice or I avoid making a choice at all. I don’t know why but when I created this idea in my head, I made myself believe that one shit move would send me plummeting into a hole from which I can’t return, however, I am working on reinforcing the fact that it isn’t true.

I feel like the biggest choice I have right now is moving. At this point, I am pretty much settled on moving. However, I still have that fear of leaving New York and possibly leaving my destiny behind with it. I am trying to remind myself that if I have a destiny here then I will find my way back here, but part of me can’t shake the feeling that I haven’t done enough and that I am missing out on what I am truly meant to be doing.

However, that brings mean to another fearsome choice that I have been faced with and that is figuring out my career. I am not the kind of person who has one thing they wanna do and they run with it. I am the kind of person who changes their “what I want to be when I grow up” about once every few months. I have so many big dreams that I could fill a full lifetime just trying to test every one out. However, I know when it comes down to it, I have to make a choice at some point soon and actually get my career started. I think my fear of making a career decision also ties into my fears of not being prepared to do what is expected of me.

I see people every day sort of floundering their way through jobs they don’t know how to do and coming up fine and better from it, but for some reason I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of doing the same. In my head, I feel like I am going to be expected to be perfect the minute I start a new career and that I am not allowed to make mistakes. I know that this is untrue but it doesn’t change the amount of pressure I have put on myself because of this belief.

Lastly, love is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind. I am at the part of life where people start getting engaged and married and planning families and things and I am just trying to find my place in all of that. Right now, I am single and have been for nearly 5 months. Which I realize isn’t that long at all, but for me, it feels like a pretty long time considering it is the longest I have truly been single and not actively seeing someone (beyond a first date), in like 3+ years.

I think this break is necessary, but it also makes me nervous. It brings me back to “The Irreversible Bad Thing” and makes me fear that I have already ruined my shot with someone that I was meant to be with or worse, that I’ve set myself up from the very beginning to be alone. Again, I am fully aware that this is a dumb belief, but this is where my head goes when I spend too much time thinking at night.

So you see, the monster that is “The Irreversible Bad Thing” has got me stressing a bit at the start of my new year, but I am determined to fight it off and keep moving forward. I may not be in a good place right now, but I hope to be somewhere better soon.

Jess~

UPDATE: