Note to Self

June 26th 2018

a small collection of small notes~

Back in April, I began writing notes on my phone whenever I had a notable thought. These little notes became short-form blog posts in a sense where I took my observations about the world and my own thoughts, and wrote them down without regards to correct spelling, punctuation or capitalization (because autocorrect doesn’t work in my notes app for whatever reason).

So I decided to share a few notes here today and perhaps break this up into a bit of a series where I share where my head is at lately.

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A Collection of Strength- April 18th 2018

The other day, someone asked me how i had such an endless supply of smiley photos. I responded that i try to be a smiley person whenever i can be because life is too short to spend being serious or miserable all of the time.

It was a simple question and a simple response, however, it had a lot of impact. It had a lot of impact because my smile had been rather disingenuous just over a year ago. As I scroll through my previous photos, i see a girl who is trying her best but isn’t as happy as she would like to be. I see a girl who allowed herself to join in a game of feeling miserable with people and for people. I see a girl who let herself play the sidekick in every story, including her own.

Now, I see a girl who walked away. Walked away from toxic people who tried to outshine her. Toxic people who would pick at her insecurities and consume all of her time and energy. I see a girl who got stronger by walking away.

I realized that giving up on people and things that don’t serve you doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong enough to put yourself first. It makes you strong enough to go out and find reasons to smile.

So i will continue taking smiley pictures to keep a collection of my strength.

Slow Change- May 7th 2018

Sometimes change is slow.

It is a weird feeling the feel that change is happening but it is so slow you barely realize it until the day you wake up and find that everything is different. It is a feeling you can compare to the feeling of the earth revolving around the sun. One day we are in the warmth of summer and, without feeling as though we have budged an inch, we are bogged down by snow and cold.

The worst part about slow change is the feeling that you can’t control it…mostly because you barely know it is happening. Life is just sort of moving and changing and i don’t see where i can insert myself to help it along. Hours are turning into days that are turning into weeks which which will soon become months and years. And in this flying time, i am changing. My life is changing. The people I love are changing.

And yet, I feel like I’ve barely moved.

Learning to Live- May 7th 2018

I’m not really sure what I want to be doing. I think about that a lot.

I have no idea where i hope to be a year from now. When potential employers ask me where I want to be in 5 years, i make it up. To be honest, as much as i enjoy social media marketing, I’m not a business shark. I’ve never been a business shark. However, i don’t know what i am.

People always said i could be anything i wanted to be but when college came they told me i could only be one thing. But i am many things. How am i supposed to narrow down my desires from many things to one thing?

So i chose marketing. I thought a business degree could get me anywhere. I wouldn’t say  I was wrong because an MBA still speaks quite loudly on an application (sometimes I wish it’d speak louder with how my job hunt as gone). However, I still don’t know what I want to be doing.

I love yoga and animals and writing and nature and marketing and fashion and media and photography and I love learning new things. My mom has said that if they paid me to be a student, I would be one forever, which is totally true. I would be happy learning for a living.

But for now, I’m learning how to live.

Fate and Her Plan- June 7th 2018

Fate conspired to get me here. I am trying to convince myself of that. Fate has a reason for which I am here and I am simply waiting to understand…if I am ever meant to.

I feel I have become more open to fate and her ways of doing things. I start to see motive behind action and blessing behind loss. People are really right when they say people are put in your life to teach you things about yourself…and sometimes they are removed from your life for the same reason.

But i wonder what fate wants to do with me now. I am at a crossroads where no choice seems clear cut or correct. I wonder the purpose for the losses i will experience within the next year and if i will ever come back from them.

But i have to trust fate because she is the one with the plan.

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I have found that writing these short form posts are a great way to get into my mind at any given moment and sort out how I am feeling. I would love to share more of these at some point as well, so if you enjoy them then let me know by liking or leaving a comment!

Jess~