July 14th 2017
The diary of a 20-something, fresh out of college and (sort of) ready to meet the world…
The scariest part of the real world is that it feels just like the world I have been living in all along, but with something missing. I wouldn’t say that school was the glue holding my life together…it sort of just gave it structure. I liked having my routine and having control over my own schedule. If I wanted to have a lunch break for 2 hours, I could arrange my schedule that way. If I only wanted to go in until noon on Tuesdays, I could sort that out. The real world isn’t like that.
In the real world, I am living by someone else’s clock. I am waking up, working, eating lunch, and going home by someone else’s clock. I don’t feel like I have control over my schedule anymore. I honestly feel a loss of control as a whole.
I have never been the kind of person who liked to follow a strict schedule. I never joined a sorority or a strict club in college because I feared being stuck to a schedule and not free to plan how I would like to spend my time. I know that people love those kind of things and those types of social organizations are great ways to meet people and learn to take a leadership role, but I am a bit more selfish with my time.
I’m not saying unmotivated or lazy, just picky. I don’t like feeling tied down by specific obligations and full time employment is presenting itself to be something that is making me feel tied down…and suffocated…sort of like if someone tied bricks to my legs and threw me into an ocean. I just feel smothered.
A job is like a clingy partner. It is constantly blowing up your phone, requesting you to be ever present, wanting to keep track of your every move, etc.. It makes me feel claustrophobic. And I know that not all jobs are going to make me feel that way and that jobs I actually genuinely enjoy will make me feel fulfilled and happy. However, in my current position, I feel like I have very little breathing room. I feel like I am being micromanaged and babysat.
It is sort of funny, my other job, where I am just an intern, treats me with more respect and appreciation than the job taking me on full time. I just started at my new job and it already feels like they don’t trust me. It could just be my anxiety getting the better of me, but I honestly feel so stressed whenever I even think about checking my email for my new job.
Some people say that feeling should subside in a few months and I hope they are right. I set the standard for myself to work their for at least a year or two before moving on and right now it seems like it is going to be a long two years.
However, I do have some things to look forward to in the real world outside of that new job. I am currently getting ready to begin my first 200 hour yoga instructing certification and I could not be more excited. I handed in my application and honestly felt like I could cry tears of joy. This has been something I have wanted for so long but couldn’t do with school in the way (since I frequented weekend classes). I honestly believe that getting this certification is a step in the right direction towards pursuing my actual dreams.
Another great thing to come out of the real world is the realization that my end of college job really does respect me and value me a ton. They weren’t able to afford to hire me full time, so I am (hopefully) working part time remotely for them, which is a bit to handle with a separate full time job happening, but it is worth it to have my name in there if they have an opening for me to go full time.
Overall, my first few months attempting adulting have been stressful, but moderately rewarding. At least I still have my whole life ahead of me to make mistakes, figure things out, and grow.
This is only the beginning~